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My road to womanhood (so far….)Quick Disclaimer: I don’t claim to be or think of myself as anything other than a student of humanity and so I claim no stance on my views or words being considered academic or certified for anything relating to gender or my view of the world, simply sharing my experience and hope that I accurately convey what I thought at the time and what I think now. I’ll frequently move between arguments of masculinity/femininity vs male/female gender identity vs biology/genetics (strictly-physical world view) vs sexual attraction, etc so please don’t try to correct me or overanalyze the specific words I use, I ask that you just to understand my meaning.I was born and raised in southern Louisiana in a town right outside of New Orleans. I have and older brother and younger sister and we all grew up in the same house and my parents are still there today. At the time of writing this, my parents are still together and they have been for 37 years now. I attended private catholic schools (did not grow up wealthy, but were comfortable in the middle class) for the sake of ensuring a proper education my parents – who strongly believed in education – made every sacrifice imaginable to ensure we had every opportunity possible to succeed. I never really had much trouble growing up. I played soccer, had some close friends I had known my whole life, never really got in trouble (was a bit of a science and math nerd…wait, WAS is not the right tense.. I have always been a science and math nerd and never had much trouble with academics, other than being one who could get distracted easily because I found the material boring or uninteresting… before high school I had a select group of friends who did pretty much everything together, camps, scouts, classes, and all of the normal extracurricular activities. I wasnt much in to sports, and it wasnt because I was un-athletic…I actually was athletic and was always reasonably good at the things that I tried, but I just found using my head rather than my body to be much more rewarding. I never really felt like a guys-guy, but I am not sure I felt entirely like a girl either, it was more of an asexual view of my own gender. I was always attracted to girls and cant think of a time where I honestly felt I was attracted to a guy. I hadnt really considered gender all that much and so it wasnt an issue but always felt more comfortable in the traditionally less masculine subjects. I also never had trouble making friends, but often felt I related better with girls than with guys, simply for the fact that I had trouble relating to the masculine culture. I was never m*****ed or experienced any traumatic experiences (sexual or otherwise) and so my curiosity about girls was likely on par with most boys of my age. I did grow up in a more conservative area with a conservative family and still hold to many conservative views. One area where I was outside of that was with respect to sexuality. I think it was just that I was a young hormonal adolescent, exploring the world and trying to see things from the other (binary at the time of thinking) view of sexuality. Girls and boys are different, but what makes a girl a girl and a boy a boy was strictly limited to my understanding of the world at the time, which was purely biology/genetics. Obviously I didn’t really see it from such a scientific point of a view, but it was overly simplistic in that respect. Anyway, in getting back to the journey…The laundry room was off the hall on the way to the back of the house and my siblings rooms and so I would pass it going to ankara escort a from my room and it was the clothes I would see hanging to dry or piled on the floor to be washed which sparked a curiosity. When I hit the p*****n/early teen years and first started my journey through puberty I started taking more note – obviously – of what separated girls from boys. It was the physical differences which meant a different clothing and ultimately in (generally speaking) different outward appearance. Skirts, bras, dresses, long hair, makeup, etc…where the things that made girls seem so different from boys. While I likely didn’t realize it at the time (retrospectively it seems to make sense to me), I felt the best way to understand my gender was to explore and try to understand both genders. Several times late at night or when I had the house to myself, I “borrowed” some of my mother’s bras, and a few times my sisters underwear (my mom didn’t exactly have anything underwear wise that would fit me…) and tried them on…when I was the only one home or before my parents would come home, I often inspected my moms makeup and tried to understand why a girl would use certain things a bow wouldn’t use and vice versa. In those early pubescent years, I think that I was trying on girls clothes and enjoyed it because it helped spark the imagery of what a girl would look like while wearing those things only. Of course that excited me! I assume it does for most who have any sort of a sex drive and have pubescent hormones coursing through their bodies. This of course never really died down. I never acted particularly feminine, but I certainly wasn’t or was I trying to be, particularly masculine either. The advent of the internet was a dangerous (and very awesome/technically intriguing) tool to have access to which allowed me to seek out and inspect the world with access to things I didn’t have or didn’t know how to access physically.Growing in to be even more of a hormonal teenager none of those curiosities died out, they just intrigued me more and so I delved deeper into the gender, sexual identity, etc aspects of the world. Sometime during that time I discovered masturbating and sometime during that time (while also having access to the limited internet) I explored the concepts of “penetration” as they related to sex. Of course this meant playing with myself anally at the time, but oddly enough I never recall questioning how that related to my gender identity. I was biologically a boy, enjoyed masturbating and very thoroughly enjoyed anal stimulation. It wasn’t till the later years that started to question if my appreciation for anal pleasure tied in some way to my sexual preferences or sexual identity. I certainly didn’t reach any conclusions at the time but didn’t let the internal exploration of it worry me to much either. I knew I was attracted to girls and never really did get sexually excited by boys, other than the curiosity about how they could potentially (or not) fit into a situation that I would find sexually pleasing. This ultimately lead me to trying to find someone (using the internet of course) that I could explore these things with. I started chatting in adult forums and found a few adult oriented sex sites and ultimately stumbled upon a gay site to try and seek a guy who would explore the phallic sexual experiences with me of which I was so curious. I found a guy who lived about 10 minutes from me and we chatted for days and days and after a few weeks, I finally decided that I wanted to try it out genuinely, we actually tried setting things up ankara escort bayan and meeting a few times before I finally had my first anal experience. It was very painful, but the thoughts that I had after the experiences were ones of wild passion and desire and I knew I enjoyed that sexually submissive and bottom role in relationships when guys were involved. I still never considered myself gay nor even bi really because I had always thought that to be gay one had to desire and feel true intimacy with someone of the same gender identity to their own. A man or someone desiring to be a man with the desire to kiss and be intimate with another man (or someone desiring to be so) was what I thought of as gay. Probably some over rationalization in my mind, but I loved kissing girls, I loved playing with girls, I loved having sex with girls, and I loved being very close with girls, whereas I didn’t like or really want that with guys. I merely wanted anal sexual gratification and so, at the time, I think a TS girl or a girl with a strap-on would have possibly met the desires I was seeking at the time, but that concept never really crossed my mind back then. This has evolved over time and what I desire from guys a girls is different from back then and so I consider myself bisexual now, whereas I still don’t think I was bi-sexual back then in the way I view things now.My desires and appreciation for dressing feminine proceeded in secret for quite some time, but I never explored it all that much before college. I left home for college in western NY (Rochester, NY specifically) and was up there for seven years with the exception 1 year I took off to move home and help my parents with my grandmother, and 1 year of internship I did for a research company in San Antonio. While in college, I was very far from home and this gave me more time and freedom to explore my sexual identity and just try to be who I wanted to be at the time, not overly concerned with what my family might think. Everything I continued to do was very much closeted and the friends I had at school didn’t know of my proclivities. It was also during my college years where I found the idea of transgender girls to be very very interesting and started to seek out, learn, and understand this aspect of sexual identity/sexuality. My brother had moved to San Antonio for his first job out of college and that is where I did my first internship after my second year of college. It was during that year I was in San Antonio that I had my first meeting with a transgender girl, I had just turned 20 and was no longer a teenager. I was still dressing fem in private and at the time I had two often polarized “moods”. Sometimes I wanted to be with a girl (TS or GG) while other times I wanted to be the girl and dress, but it was rare that I would feel the desire simultaneously. Not until I met Jamie. She was a CRAZY gorgeous TS girl. She was Latina and had the full package of what I believe most would view as the quintessential trans-girl. Hour-glass figure, huge boobs, gorgeous ass, perfect body all around. She was very feminine and pretty too, full and soft lips, female cheek bones/facial features, soft olive skin, all around gorgeous. Well one night, the 3rd time me met up, she actually asked if she could “top” me. Previously, whenever I was with someone who was feminine (only genetic girls at the time), I was the top and when with someone masculine (only genetic male) at the time, I was the bottom. This is one of the turning points that changed my view of sexuality and gender identity and put me escort ankara in a new perspective. She was absolutely gorgeous and whereas I previously only wanted to fuck her, after that night I was much more open to having close sexual intimacy and desire while also being a bottom. We switched pretty much every time after that and I developed my love of being both closely intimate with a sexual partner while also being a bottom. My view and genuine consideration of being a trans girl really flourished at this time, granted it was still very focused on sexual desire and was highly fetishized in my own mind. Regardless, Jamie opened up my mind to genuinely considering transition. Pressure to be “traditional” in the eyes of family and friends held me back and kept me from moving in that direction at the time but the desire grew. A few sexual experiences with girls, guys, and trans girls continued throughout college and there was a time near graduation where I was more-or-less dating a guy, but only when I was fem. He had his own place in downtown and lived with a few of his friends, he was “straight” but liked trans girls because we tend to try much harder to be feminine than genetic girls in some cases (likely because we’re less likely to take femininity for granted) and that is what I found the most intriguing about him at the time…he was open about his sexuality, said was open about saying he was straight while also making it clear that he liked girls who weren’t necessarily biologically girls and so he didn’t hide his appreciation for TS girls, from his friends, roommates, etc. More on that story for another time though.After I finished up school, I moved out here to Sacramento to start my dream job. My degree is a BS in Computer Engineering and I specifically focus more on computer hardware, so I tend to be a bit of a nerd sometimes, but I love who I am and have never been ashamed of seeming “brainy”…I’ve nearly perfected the ability to focus on the positive and good things and only reflect on the bad shortly before moving on.So now on to where my physical journey to be a TS really starts. My experiences with the TS Jamie and the guy I dated for a period help solidify my understanding and perspective on sexuality as I see things now. I was 22 at the time when I think I really had those things as close to ironed out as one person could ever hope to have, at least as far as how I saw myself and my place in the world. I actually felt transgender girls described who I was and who I am today perfectly and my curiosity of what it would feel like to look in the mirror and see a girl, changed in to a longing/desire to do it. I then proceeded to use the resources at my disposal to explore the possibility. Researching doctors, reading books, looking at any number of things I could to help me understand the process others have used to get to where they are…I did this so I could potentially learn from their experiences and see if there as anything I could do to best fit my situation and not do anything too hasty so as to cause me to have regrets in the future.Since moving out to California to start my job, my desire to crossdress and the want to starting a transition never really faded. So I decided that if I really did want to start a transition I had to set a plan, and so I did. I told myself that if I still wanted to go through with it six months from the date I set (June 27th of 2011) I would begin going through the steps to start my transition. I journal throughout that time to keep track of what I was thinking and how I would do things if I started my transition. And so at the end of the year 2011, I scheduled an appointment with a local gender ther****t (my appointment was Dec 6th 2011) and (April 5th 2012) before my 27th birthday I started on hormones and my physical transition began…
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