How She Draped My Net Around Her Ch. 06

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“What was she like?”

Fuck. We just entered the house, and this is how our evening started? “Who do you mean?”

“You know who I mean, your fiancée. Can we talk about it?”

“Do we have to? Can’t we talk about something more fun?” My happy mood was already totally vanished.

“So she wasn’t fun?… Sorry; I’m sorry… bad joke!… But I really want to know about her – she was your fiancée for God’s sake, so she must have been important for you! If I want to know you, then I need to know these things, I guess.”

“What do you want to know? Yes, she could be fun, but not all the time.”

“Of course, she wasn’t fun all the time, nobody is. But what was she like… Or first, what was her name, how did you two meet?”

I took a deep breath. I knew this was inevitable. I should have taken that photo away, but I hadn’t, and so I had to deal with it. But now!? Well, I guess there would never be a good moment for this, so let’s keep it short. “Her name was Stephany, and we met when we both started our PhD.”

“And?”

“And what do you want to know?!” I hoped the anger in my voice would stop her from further questioning. But it didn’t.

“And what was she like – did she like going out? Was she sporty – she looked great on that picture – what did you do together?”

“No, she wasn’t sporty – she liked her work, and worked hard to be the best in her field. Apart from that, she didn’t do much. She liked to be left alone, sit in her room and read. And she liked ballet. Classical, Romantic, Contemporary, Experimental, I’ve seen it all.”

“And you liked it? The ballet, I mean?”

“No, I didn’t like it. The things we do for love, I guess…”

“And what else? What else did you do together? Did she like cooking? Did she like going out?”

“We didn’t do much together – none of us liked cooking, but, as you probably figured out for yourself, PhD salaries don’t allow going to restaurants too often. So we would often cook for two days, and heat up the left-overs a few days later. Sometimes we would watch TV together; there were a number of series on National Geographic that we both liked. But in general, we were minding our own business.”

“But she was your fiancée, for goodness. There must have been something? Was it the sex?”

Fuck. “You won’t quit interrogating, will you?”

“Oh no, I won’t. You know; if we want to continue our relationship, you and I, you will have to tell me about her at some point, so we better get over it…” Suddenly, she turned red “We will continue, won’t we?”

“Of course we will continue! I think we both enjoy this, and I would be a fool to let you go!” I kissed her on the mouth, and threw my arms around her, but she didn’t fall for that and pushed me away. “Don’t try to distract me! Go on!”

“Don’t you have some cooking to do?”

“Stop it! The oven needs to warm up, and I won’t start anything else until you’ve told me everything!”

I took another deep breath. The only way to stop this, was probably by being rude, by drawing a line. But, on the other hand, she was probably right. I did want to continue with her, and she probably needed to know this part of me. “Can I get a drink?”

“Ok, what do you want – coke? But after that, no more stalling!”

Anita came back, I took a sip of my coke, and then started.

“We both started our PhD at the same time, in different departments, and it seemed inevitable to be together.” Anita raised her eyebrow, but remained silent.

“I’d bought the house…” Anita tilted her head, “and it only seemed logical to offer her to rent a room, which she did. Of course, we would cook together, take care of the house, and before I knew, our lives were entwined. We would go out together, be invited together, and without discussion, we started the life of a couple. Going to bed together was only a logical step, which we took one night after a party with more than a few beers.”

I remained silent for a moment, thinking of how to continue, and, after a while, Anita whispered, as if she didn’t want to interrupt, “It was just like that? Because you were sharing a house, you decided to share the bed as well?”

I had to think of that. I knew it wasn’t like that. At least… Well, I was sure that it wasn’t like that, but how to put deep, mutual, unspoken feelings it in words…

Finally I continued “It wasn’t just because we ware sharing the house – I liked her, she liked me, and it was kind of inevitable, that we would end up in bed together…”

Another moment of silence.

“But when you’re that close together, you become afraid of rejection.” I finally continued. “What if the other doesn’t share your feelings of love; what would that do to the situation… you know? We were doing well, and we didn’t dare to risk that what we had, by taking further steps. The alcohol just helped to ease the path.”

And silence again. What else did Anita want to know? What did I want to tell her?

“Still, it doesn’t sound very romantic, or attractive, özbek escort or whatever. It sounds like an arranged relationship. How did you feel about her?”

“She was hot. I wasn’t really looking for someone, but I’m only a guy, and… you know… If a girl takes you to bed, someone you like… You just go with the flow, you know…” I felt red; embarrassed, making these confessions. “She took the lead, and I didn’t mind following her. It felt convenient, I guess. She knew what she wanted, and I liked it.” All of a sudden I realized “I guess it’s the way you also want it – someone who tells you what to do.” and I looked at Anita.

However, Anita didn’t confirm. She seemed to hesitate, and then, she slowly spoke, as if thinking of every word she said “I’ve got a feeling that things just happened to you, and you let them happen. Like you didn’t have a say in it, like it wasn’t your choice. You took it, because it was convenient – because you didn’t really care. It doesn’t sound like your heart was in it, and that’s not wat I want.”

Her words hit me like a hailstorm. My stomach contracted; I felt cold. Her reply hurt… That’s not how I wanted her to think of my previous relationship – that’s not what it was like!! “So what do you want?!” I spit back at her, angry.

Anita flinched, shocked by my fierce reaction. “I want love!” she whispered.

“But I did love Stephany as well!” I replied, almost desperate, almost as if I had to convince myself.

“Of course you loved her,” Anita soothed “otherwise you wouldn’t have been engaged.”

I remained silent, panting at the bank, and Anita carefully looked at me, as if fearing a fight. But she didn’t stop. “So why did you love her? How did she win your heart? How did you make her love you?”

“The little things, you know? A kiss, a compliment… A surprise… You know what I mean…”

Anita only nodded.

“We would go out, go to the ballet; have a drink together…”

“And what else did you do? You just told me that ballet isn’t really your thing, so what else did you do?”

“Is this some kind of interrogation?! Are you trying to tell me that she’s no good for me?! Well I’ve got news for you – you won’t have to worry, we’re not together anymore!! She’s DEAD, you know!!! No need to point out her bad sides!!!”

I was done with it!! Angry!! This was not how I intended to spend the evening! Who was she, to criticize my relationship with Stephany! As if she had given me anything so far!!

“No! Don’t touch me!!” Anita flew away from me, and I could see her blood drawing from her face. Good for her! Who did she think she was, stirring up my past like this…

“I was only asking… wondering what you two did together. I didn’t mean anything…” Anita’s voice trembled.

“Well, we just didn’t do that much together, ok!! We liked to live our own live! We gave room to each other! Why would you have to be together for every second of the day?!”

I thought about what I just said and my past, my relationship with Stephany, played through my head, in fast forward, and then my eyes focused again.

I saw Anita, silently on the sofa, looking at me; observing me. “I’m sorry…” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to scream at you…”

“I’m sorry too.” Anita replied. “I wasn’t expecting this, and I can see that this isn’t easy for you. Can I… can I sit next to you?”

I nodded, and Anita moved against my side, wrapped her arm around my shoulder, and stroked my back.

“We were engaged – you don’t get engaged with the first person who rents a room from you, not even when you also share your bed with her. We loved each other… In some way… Love is in the unspoken things; the knowledge that you understand each other; rely on each other.”

“But what was it like – she didn’t like cooking, you didn’t do too much together – what did she do that made you love her, and why did she love you?”

I thought for a moment, thinking of how I could make this clear. “I cared for her, and she needed that. Breakfast in bed… things like that, you know? We complemented each other – she gave purpose in my life, and I gave her love and attention.”

That didn’t go well… What else could I say… “At that moment, I was alone, and she made me valuable, you know? She gave me purpose. It felt good to be there for someone.”

Anita seemed to be lost in thoughts for a moment, but then she asked me “And did she appreciate you for what you did?”

What kind of question was that? “Of course, she appreciated me!” I wanted to answer… but something withheld me. Did she know Stephany? Instead, I answered “I think, she did… in a way. But she wouldn’t always tell me.”

Anita nodded, as if she already knew. “And it was her idea, to get married?”

Fuck. How had I entered this nightmare… “It was kind of logical. We had been together for almost three years, we were at the end of our contracts, and had to choose – either split up, or stay together… So, mecidiyeköy escort in a way, it was the idea of both of us…”

“Was she insecure? Did she feel lonely? Was she afraid you would leave her?”

Carefully, I nodded.

“Did you have discussions; arguments?”

Was she acting to be a shrink now? “Of course we had discussions. That’s normal in a relationship, right?!”

“Could she be irrational; not open for reasonable argumentation? Would get angry when you’d disagree, even when you know you were right?”

“Isn’t that a woman-thing?”

“I’m not joking, Ruben! Was she mistrustful, jealous? Was her judgement either black or white – Could her best friend forever turn into the devil himself, within a split second?”

How could she know? As far as I knew, almost no-one who met her was still around at the institute, and I doubted that anyone ever knew those details. “Have you been talking with others about her?”

“No,” she whispered, “but I think I know someone just like her.” I could see tears in her eyes, and I just didn’t get it. Was she feeling sorry for me?

“Hey, I loved her, you know, and I still do!” I tried to cheer her up. “Don’t we all have our little mistakes? ‘t Would be boring, if we were all perfect, no?” She smiled weakly, gave me a quick peck on my cheek, and left to the kitchen…

We had bought some ready-made meals, which only needed to be warmed-up in the oven… so we could use our time for other things… How I regretted that decision now…

I stayed in the living room, while Anita took care of the food and set the table. I searched my memories for happy moments together with Stephany, and I could easily think of some. But at the same time, flashes of our discussions pushed themselves forward; our altercations, heated arguments, often about nothing.

I felt cold, empty. This was supposed to be a nice date, and now it turned into this… If that was what my future with Anita would look like… I shook my head – of course, Anita wasn’t to blame for these feelings, and she had every right to know about me… And also the other way around, of course…

We sat, opposite to each other, on the table; each with a plate of food. The Chili con Carne tasted awful – just like I’d expected – and soon I pushed the plate away.

“How do you feel?” Anita asked, guilt sounding through.

“Like shit, of course. What would you expect?” I replied. I still wasn’t at peace with my feelings…

“Shouldn’t you eat a bit more – would you like to try mine?” Anita had macaroni.

I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

Also Anita pushed her plate away. “Some coffee, perhaps?”

I left the table, and moved back to the sofa, turned on the TV, and left the dishes to Anita. I wasn’t even close to a good mood…

Anita also left the plates on the table, but prepared coffee and tea. She took place next to me; her arm around me.

“What about your family; how did they think of Stephany? You never talk about them either”

What the fuck!!! I certainly hoped she’d had enough for one day… “What do you want to hear – that they are all dead too?!!” I shouted, desperate. “They’re all dead, ok?!! My father, my mother, my grandmother, all of them!” I can’t remember feeling this miserable ever before, and Anita was absolutely shocked.

“What do you mean, dead? I mean, what happened? There must be someone next to you?”

I was close to collapsing. “Mom died when I was one, cancer. Dad when I was three, heart attack. Grandma, who took care of me, died when I was seventeen, also heart attack. No sisters, brothers, no other family. Happy now?!” and then I lost it – lost myself in self-pity…

Anita tried to stroke my back, but I shook her off. “Fuck you! Is this what you wanted? See how you could break me down? Nice to be together with friends! Thank you for this wonderful evening!!! I think it is time to go now!”

However, I didn’t go.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” Anita whispered, as a mantra. “I didn’t know this, I’m so sorry.”

“Of course, you didn’t know this. There is a reason why you didn’t know this; why would anyone want to know this shit! Leave me in peace, ok?! What’s the use of having this knowledge?!”

“Because I want to be part of you!” Anita choked, and then she wrapped her arms around me, her face in my neck. Once again, she cried, and this time I knew what had caused it, and I hated myself for it. My anger subsided, and was replaced by pity and guilt. I didn’t mean to upset her! Of course, she hit a nerve, but it wasn’t her fault; she couldn’t have known…

Automatically, my arms enclosed her body, and stroked her back. “It’s ok… I love you too! I didn’t mean to be angry with you! It is just that I don’t…”

“But you have all the reasons to be angry! I should know when it’s time to stop prodding, but I thought I knew better…!” Anita sniffled. “But even so, I’m happy you told me this. I love you, you know!?”

“I know you love azeri escort me, and I love you too! And you’re probably right; maybe you should know all about me, but it hurts, you know? It hurts to talk about this…”

Anita clung around me desperately, her face wet from tears. “I’m so sorry!”

“It’s ok!” I replied; what else could I say… “It’s ok. All of it was a long time ago, and I’m fine. I can handle it!” Anita kept her arms around me, and I stroked her back. “I love you, and being with you is the best thing ever happened to me!” I kissed her hair.

It took forever; Anita was clinging to me, and I stroked her, whispering how I loved her. The TV was on, but it didn’t catch my attention – some reality soap, followed by a talk show. Anita didn’t watch either – her face was still in my neck, her hands clumsily stroking my arms and my shoulders, trying to caress what was within reach.

After an eternity, I carefully pushed her away, and she let go. She didn’t look me in the eye, and I didn’t know what better to do than ask if she wanted something to drink. I wasn’t really in for a drink, but would do anything to break this uncomfortable silence.

“I’ll get some water, and you?” she replied.

“Are you sure you don’t want some wine? I’ll have a beer then…”

Silently, Anita went to the kitchen, to return with a beer and a glass of wine. She took place at the other side of the sofa, as if being afraid of me; probably uncomfortable with the situation. My mind raced, desperately searching for an opening. The longer this silence would take, the more painful it would become.

Finally, I swallowed. “I feel like shit, you know… but in a way, I’m glad I’m over it. You are right, we need to be open to each other, so one day or another, this had to be said… I fucking hate talking about this, but now you know…. I don’t have to dread this moment anymore… I’m not going to thank you for it, but I do want you to know that I love you, and I hope you appreciate my efforts to be open to you…”

“I love you too!” Anita gasped, and for a moment I feared she would start crying again. But she got herself together. “Thank you. Thank you for being this open to me … I’m so sorry for scratching those wounds of you – I never realized what you’ve been through…”

“I hope we’re done for now, so let’s think of something else now, ok? Anything on TV?”

We sat on the sofa, and zapped through the channels, but nothing caught our interest. It was still early, but I felt tired, and soon said that I wanted to go to bed.

“Take a hot shower,” Anita suggested, “and then I will give you a massage.”

Whatever… I felt exhausted and rather went to bed directly, but I knew this would give her the opportunity to make it up with me. I had no bad feelings, but I knew it would help her to come close to me again. So I quickly took a hot shower, called Anita, and went to the bedroom.

Anita turned off the lights in the living room and also came to bed, bringing a large towel and oil from the bathroom. She ordered me to lie down – on my stomach, on the towel – poured some oil in her hands, and quickly rubbed her hands. Then she started stroking my shoulders – hmmpfff… cold! I tried not to show it, but Anita noticed my body tensing under her hands, and asked if everything was ok. I couldn’t think of anything else, so I admitted that her hands were still a bit cold. But I was used to it now; she could continue the massage, as her hands quickly warmed up while doing so.

Stephany had never ever given me massages, and also never asked me for one. And to be honest, I never felt the need for one either – if I wanted to relax, then I could take a hot shower and go to sleep, at least that’s what I always thought. However, I soon had to admit that it did feel good, whatever Anita was doing. My attention was fully focused on her hands, kneading my shoulders, my arms; her thumbs turned small circles on my neck and spine, and then she rubbed and stroked my back. My mind came to rest, my breathing calmed down, and now I only felt really tired. And although I couldn’t sleep while Anita was working on me, I did feel my tension ebbing away, my body relaxing.

I sighed, and Anita planted a kiss on my neck, her hear brushing my skin. Slowly, she worked her way down my body. She didn’t neglect my buttocks, but, to my surprise, the massage didn’t turn me on. Perhaps I was unable to permit any erotic feelings at this moment, but the massage seemed very modest, very demure, only focused on relaxation.

Anita took her time, her massage covered every inch of my body, and after an eternity, she finally reached my feet. I drowsily wondered what would happen now – normally, I’m very ticklish, but Anita’s fingers expertly stroked and rubbed relaxingly, without creating any tension.

I felt like floating on a cloud, and would be happy to sleep now, but Anita asked me to turn on my back. For a moment, I felt exposed, and hoped Anita would stop right there. However, when her hands continued their task by softly stroking my face, I relaxed again.

Expertly, Anita’s hands moved down my body. The oil softened my skin and its aroma made me relax even further. Not a single part remained untouched, but it never turned me on – it was a calming and peaceful experience.

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